Klamath Water Users Asked to Use No Water (Satire)
April 1, 2056
By I. M. Thirsty imthirsty@coolclearwater.com

Due to a variety of factors that include, but are not limited to: a fact breach at the ARMPIT (Association for the Return of Man to Pre-Internet Technology), falsified numbers from federal agencies, a typo in a BSBS (Bureau of Smelly Bovine Scat) report, a hangnail over at the WTIAWC (We'll Take It All Water Council), court mandated higher-than-ever-before-in-history river flows, a Jacuzzi temperature monitoring gauge malfunction under the hood of the Head Honcho and Big Kahuna's luxury stretch SUV and lower than expected investment portfolio returns -- Klamath Project irrigators are being politely asked to stop using water altogether.


In a water year that has seen snowpack reach 10,000% of whatever we say is average, the already world-class efficiency and state-of-the-art innovative, ingenious and ever-so-sickeningly resourceful Klamath Project irrigators have been asked by federal agencies to institute additional voluntary measures and use no water at all.


Water use for irrigation in the project is already 99 percent below last year's usage, but it's simply not enough.  Districts must now balance the frivolity of remaining in the Basin, actually making ends meet, against the voluntarily compliant, cooperative, collaborating and capitulating alternative of being loaded like cattle onto railcars and shipped to a modern-day Harlem, complete with thousand-story 'smart growth,' 'high-density housing,' where they'll be allowed to use -- but must recycle every drop of -- four gallons per person, per week.


Should there be those who, by some miracle, still have money in the bank, mitigation measures will accrue, in which those that can afford to will be allowed to enter a hostel-style dormitory with 'only' thirty people per room and one full bathroom.


2056 marks the fifty-fifth consecutive year of the ‘mirage’ water bank and the twentieth year of banking one gazillion acre-feet through land idling and lowered life expectancies of the Project irrigators, which at last count were down to a conservative 39 years. Through voluntary conservation measures, none of the Project irrigators have borne children in a generation, further alleviating the need for continued residence in this open space zoning region of The Wildlands Project.


In a meeting with rulers last month, King Suckling voiced the interpretation of what those left in the Basin are told they are feeling: "This could have been a year in which we could have had ALL the water, if only we hadn't allowed these useless eaters to still use a few drops," he said.