June 2001

By Lee Pitts

I swear an oath on my honor as a hypocrite that ...

I will cuss cows but eat beef, blast miners but wear jewelry and drive a car but condemn oil companies.

I don't want [any] trees cut for any purpose other than to provide the lumber for my next house.

As a Hollywood celebrity I assert my God-given right to sire at least four children by three different wives and then protest about overpopulation in the world.

I will put fish first by saving the sucker and salmon, but not the farmers and ranchers who feed me.

I demand that politicians and federal judges in Washington DC save all endangered species except the small businessman.

I feel government is imminently qualified to micro-manage nature, after all, look what a smashing job they've done with the IRS, EPA, USDA, FBI, BLM and assorted other alphabet agencies.

As a self righteous hypocrite it is my duty to celebrate Earth Day with barbecues and parades and by leaving tons of trash behind.

I demand that feedlots and farms stop polluting our ground water. That privilege shoud be preserved for me every time I flush the contents of my toilet into a septic tank or the ocean.

I want to relocate grizzly bears and wolves to the West but not in my big city backyard. After all, people live here!

I give my permission for mountain lions to eat lambs but if a lion eats my dog or cat I demand that the abominable beast be shot on sight.

I will cuss oil companies on talk radio and stand in the way of their drilling more wells while sitting in my gas guzzling SUV with the engine running.

I will write letters to the editor on my computer castigating utility compnaies for not providing enough electricity.

At the same time I will send money to green groups who what to tear down hydroelectric dams and stand in the way of any new power-producing projects.

I avow at the next cocktail party I attend -- while smoking a cigarette and sipping a martini -- that I will sue the tobacco companies for causing my lung cancer.

Although I have never personally milked a cow or grown vegetables in a garden I demand to have a say on how farmers and ranchers do it.

As a pompous hypocrite I demand that water, herbicides, and pesticides be taken away from farmers immediately, but I don't want it to effect the price quantity or quality of the food I buy in the store.

It is my strongly held conviction that we should ban all pesticides, except the can of bug spray I use to kill ants and other unwanted bugs in my home.

As a mealy-mouthed hypocrite I vow to help stop global warming by watching the Discovery Channel on my giant sized television in my air conditioned house.

I assert that cattle pooping on our nation's grasslands is a national disgrace while fertilizing my urban lawn with steer manure and urea is simply good ecology.

I will complain about fertilizer runoff from golf courses because I happen to be a golfer.

I will hound hunters in the woods because they use guns despite the fact that hunting groups have increased habitat and wildlife numbers.

I demand that the government end all timber cutting or recovery in our national forests but I'll cry like a singed coyote if the feds allow wildfires to burn near my house.

As a card carrying hypocrite I disavow the use of fur, leather, wool and all animal by-products, except the ones used in medicine that might save my life.

I demand that labels be placed on all food products but not on a rock album that endorses killing cops.

Finally, as an arrogant and self-serving hypocrite I firmly believe that rural folks have done a terrible job of taking care of the countryside and they must do a better job because that's where I want to live or visit some day when I can escape the pollution, crime, and insanity of the barren big city in which I currently reside.

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